Getting real.

I have been thinking... I didn't want to have this blog become a diary, but if it didn't — would it be truly me? Would it be truly me if I didn't just let it all out and share it?

So here I am. Sharing my most inner feelings with you, the reader.

Being diagnosed with autism should be answering a lot of questions. It should give me friendships that are centred around understanding and respect, right? Yet, I keep feeling like I'm a constant burden on these friends and that they fail to understand me. They somehow fail the fact that some things that I do are directly linked to autism. Because, autism is a way of my brain and how it functions. Unlike other disabilities or mental disorders, autism can't be turned off. There is no pill to suppress it enough for people to actually come across as Neurotypical. In fact, if we were Neurotypical, we would have lost a huge part of ourselves and who we are.

If I had been "normal", I wouldn't be myself. I can't turn autism off, even if I created a persona online. The autism would still be there, but I would be pretending to be someone I'm not. That, would eventually cause its toll on my mental health. Even now, as I'm writing this, I can feel the depression. I can feel the sadness. It's been present for a few days now, and I chose to not bring it up with anyone because I feel like, if I do, I will bother them with my mental health issues. Something I rather not share. Not even with close friends. I'm just — not in a happy mood lately.

It feels easy to blame all of this on autism. But in the end, I know what to blame. I know to blame me, not asking for help. I know that is what I should blame for feeling this way. Not the autism. But it's easy to blame it on the autism. Because, I'm again, going without my ADHD medication. Which helps me focus. I lose the focus and I become a whirlwind of thoughts and ideas. If I can't focus on one, it becomes too hectic. Too frustrating. Which leads to depressive thoughts. Yet, I know that despite all of this? I have friends. But I often doubt my friendships. I often wonder why they care about me. Because, I'm not the kind of person to be liked by many people. I'm the wallflower. The silent type that sits in the back of the room and doodles in notebooks or reads a well-loved book, with yellow pages.

Perhaps a morbid or gothic read like 'Dracula' or maybe a classic like 'Pride & Prejudice'.

I'm also never the one that's chosen as the first option. In anything. I'm always the last one to be chosen in P.E., Plan B for guys romantically. Or I'm not even considered at all. Does it hurt? Yes. But does that kind of luck turn? Eventually. I'm just not the patient type. I'm a dreamer, but I don't wait for Prince Charming. I chase him. I look for him. I don't wait until he finds me. Why should I? Because love doesn't work that way? So far? Love didn't do right by me. So far? I have only experienced heartache.

Not just when it comes to love.

I have let many dreams go, because I think I can no longer achieve them or don't have the support I need for them. Writing? I don't finish anything, so why bother? Graphic Design? No money to take a course. So why keep that dream alive? It's not for me. Fate apparently told me. So yeah...

If this all sounds depressing, I apologize. But I needed to get real with you. All of you. Because, I'm not going to pretend my life is peachy, when it's not. So the next few posts will be about the hardships in my life. The things that trouble me. But of course I will share the happy moments as well. It wouldn't be life or real if I didn't share both bad and good moments. So I will apologize for this depressing post and the next few to come. But I will also share the good moments as well. I promise!